Photographer's Assistant/A Rant. (Oops.)

My cheeky boy. He's recently gone through another growth spurt in addition to gaining his first 2-year molar. It's strange how seemingly overnight, he's bigger. Taller, smarter, wilder. He's been cleaning up after himself lately- toys and spills of his own accord. He dances more and jumps with both feet off the ground. He learns new words every day and we can finally begin to differentiate between ball, balloon, boat, and beer (yes, he says beer! The things they pick up..). He's growing exponentially and I can hardly keep up. I've been taking on more photography work, in addition to portraits, dolls, paper toys. I'm a very busy mama, but if I didn't have it this way I feel I'd be a bit lost. 

It's snowed a few times, once during a christmas party. Odin threw his first snowball at around 10 pm and by sunrise, all the snow was gone. I hope we get a few more hearty snow days so Odin and I can really enjoy it. Being from Florida sets my mind back to child-like wonder when it comes to snow and I'm excited to be just as eager as little O.

Right now, life is good. I needed to type this up to remind myself of that as I've been complaining a lot to Zak about the things we don't have. One day, and I know it will be soon, we will have land and our own house. We'll have a beautiful garden and an orchard and I'll have a gorgeous sun-filled studio. We'll travel with Odin when we can and make art and grow food when we can't. We'll drink wine late into the night surrounding a fire with friends and play music. I'll publish a children's book or two, which is my life goal and has been since I was a little girl. These things will come. Slowly, but they will come and I'm so excited for the future. That excitement brings me joy in the present and motivates me to work hard and constantly picture myself in our ideal life. 

I created this blog to remind myself of the joys in life and to share that joy with others so every now and then, I have to type out my thoughts to keep me on track. Now, I'm off to go work on commissions and trades and dream of what beautiful things are yet to come.

sometimes I'm not the greatest mumma.

When I was pregnant (before we knew Odin was Odin!), I had made a promise to myself to avoid screen time for at least the first 5 years. We don't have a TV and Zak and I will watch our fair share of movies on the computer, but always after Odin falls asleep. In the past few months, I have found myself on more than one occasion putting a movie on for little O or handing him my phone to play with. It usually happens when I'm beyond exhausted and have tried my best to keep up with my wild boy. 

Sometimes I lay in bed and try with all my might to keep Odin in bed with me so that I don't have to chase. Piles of books and other distractions to keep him occupied so I can lay there with my eyes closed for just a few more moments.

Now, I realize that these things really aren't so bad, but it just makes me think about how differently I thought I would be pre-baby! Parenting is hard work and being a stay at home mom is so physically and emotionally exhausting. Giving your all to another little human being is tiring! What are some of the things you swore you wouldn't do, but now give a little leeway to?

growth spurts

I hate growth spurts. This past week, Odin has been an absolute mess, wanting to be held constantly and whining at my ankles when he isn't. If I try to hand him off to someone else, he immediately cries and shouts "ma maaaa," in a way that makes me feel ridiculously guilty. I'm tired. I thought he may be sick at first but today, both Zak and I noticed him being obviously bigger. I remember the first growth spurt and how I woke up one morning looking down at my sleeping week or two old laying beside me and realizing that he had grown in the night. They grow so much during that first year. He's still hitting milestones and growth spurts and other things that change his behavior temporarily, but nowhere near as often as during that first year. 

These were some of the few peaceful moments this week, I'm thankful for little Paloma who always seems to be very good at distracting him, even if only for a very short while. He's recently started mimicking us to a T and paying more attention to the things he does. He's always been the destroyer of block towers and this week, he finally started helping me build them! I love little milestones like these. <3

balancing art and motherhood

I went to college for Illustration and it's been three years since I've graduated. I had a hard time making art right after college and I'm blaming it on the constant art making for four years (excuses, excuses!). I remember getting pregnant (Odin was the best surprise I've ever received) and thinking to myself that I would never make art again. I had all of these hopes and dreams and visions of myself as an artist. I wanted to make paper toys and paper dolls like I had in my thesis and eventually illustrate a children's book or two. I mean- these are still my goals and I really hope one day to achieve them, but when I found out I was pregnant I shut that chapter of my life. I'm not sure why I wasn't able to wrap my head around the idea a mother who was also an artist, but I just couldn't. This made me very sad throughout my pregnancy and through quite a bit of Odin's first year. I gave up the person I was completely. I know we all give up a little bit of our pre-baby self when we have children, but there's an evolution involved. It should be a slow transition from who we once were and to who we are now. 

I am a very happy mother. I've always been happy being a mother. I love adventuring with my boy and I couldn't imagine life without him. But there were many many times throughout his first year that I would regret not making art. Like I've said, the moment the pregnancy test showed positive, I gave up on any sort of art career in my future. Art has always been an important part of my life and I wish someone would have told me then that I didn't have to kiss it good-bye just because I was becoming a mumma. I look back now and wish I could be pregnant with Odin again. I would know that I could continue to do what I love and with even more passion than before. I would've been happier if someone would have slapped some sense into me! Zak told me over and over again that I didn't have to give up art to become a mother, that I could be both, but sometimes sense really has to be shaken into you. I'm trying hard not to have any regrets, I just wish terribly that I wasn't so sad about this while pregnant. 

Throughout Odin's first year, I tried very hard to make art and grow into motherhood. The art was hard for lack of motivation but the motherhood seemed to stick. I love being Odin's mumma and everyday was easier than the last during that first year, but I still wasn't making anything. When creation is in your blood and you don't create, you always feel as though you may explode. Explode with frustration and sadness and regret. All of these negative feelings that I had sworn off years ago. Something positive needed to happen to start me on my wave of motivation. I searched hard. I started this blog. Many people gave me such positive feedback when I did. Zak bought me my first DSLR for my birthday (almost a year ago!!) and many people started to inquire about my photos. This spring, Sakura Bloom sent me an e-mail saying that I had been accepted to be a part of the Sling Diaries because of my photos that I had taken with the camera that Zak bought me for my birthday. This was the first big wave of positivity that flowed though my life this year. I've been a fan of Sakura Bloom and the Sling Diaries since their beginning and I yearned to share in spreading the wealth of knowledge of babywearing. With that small wave of encouragement, I was able to make a large piece for a local gallery and two more smaller pieces, all three sold within an hour of the show's opening. As part of my Sling Diaries entries, I was able to draw a portrait of myself and Odin, which received an amazing amount of positive feedback. I have started selling babywearing portraits to mamas because I had been selected to be a part of the Sling Diaries because of the photos I submitted that I had taken with the camera that Zak bought me for my birthday (do you see what I'm talking about? Good things come in waves!). This wave of art encouragement this year has been amazing and I'm so thankful for the events that have taken place to get me here. 

I finished up a painting for another gallery show tomorrow which will be one of four pieces I will be showing. I wore Odin in my Sakura Bloom sling that I received as part of the Sling Diaries while I painted. Before Odin was a thought in my mind, I daydreamed of painting with a baby curled up in my lap nursing. I dreamed and dreamed of that moment for years before I even knew Zak, and now here I am living the moments I have always dreamed of.

I had a hard time getting to this point but as I sit here and type this, my eyes are swelling with tears. I knew what I was going to write before I sat down, but thinking these words through has brought me to the sudden realization that I am exactly where I've always wanted to be. I'm not sure if I would've even imagined everything to be so perfect if you had asked me six months ago about what life would be like for me today. Thank you universe for leading me here, I am forever grateful.

From a Toddler's Point of View

Today I didn't have the little girl I normally babysit, so in the morning I decided to take Odin on a walk in our neighborhood. Our neighborhood is really lovely and I was so excited to watch Odin explore. Normally I put him in the sling and we walk along at my pace and he enjoys every bit of it, but I was curious to see what would happen if we went along at his pace (I brought the sling just in case). I imagined we'd walk from house to house and explore the flowers and the mailboxes, maybe come across a dog or two. We'd run down the street and see all different things. I'd have to run to keep up with him. But it didn't quite end up that way.

We left our front courtyard which opens up into the driveway. Odin ran through the courtyard to get to our front gate and ran right out. After only a few feet he stopped and sat right down next to the car. I stood near him urging him to come along, we had to at least make it into the yard! For 45 minutes, he played with the shells in the shell driveway. He would get up and move to a new spot in the driveway every now and then, but we stayed in the driveway for 45 minutes. This was so difficult for me, I wanted terribly to scoop him up and walk a few feet further into the yard where I imagined he'd have more fun. Each time my thoughts were overwhelmed with the idea of moving him along, I stared at him and noticed his smiling face and his giggles. He was thoroughly enjoying kicking the shells with his feet, picking and piling them up, throwing them, letting them run between his fingers when his handful was too large. I sat in the grass nearby and just watched. Eventually he got up and came running for me to give me a hug before he moved on to play with the flowers and fallen leaves in the yard. 

We played in the grass for a bit before Odin ran out towards the road (I was next to him the entire time, although he wouldn't let me hold his hand) and stood on his hands and feet and peered at me though his legs. He giggled and ran towards Yaya's house (Yaya lives two houses down), knowing the way all by himself.

It's amazing to me to watch him grow and develop. It's amazing that he can find so much happiness in the simplest things. Where I had imagined a long winded adventure, there took place a shorter distanced but more thorough one. He understands a large majority of what I say and has taken to saying so many new words over the past few months. I'm glad I had decided to explore at his pace this morning. I would've rushed him along if I hadn't and it was utterly amazing to watch him explore on his own terms. This morning's walk was a very strong reminder to take in everything, overlook nothing, and to bring out my inner child again. We grow so busy with everyday errands and work and we forget to play shenanigans. We forget to respect the simple things and take pride in the world around us. 

As much as I try to teach our boy, I feel as though I'm learning even more from him.

Mom style.

Style. 

I'm not really all that stylish in my opinion. I love mixing clashing patterns. Stripes and polka dots? Done it. Floral and paisley? All the time. Black? Lots of it. Tops and shorts that look like me Nana's table-top doilies? FAVORITE! Basically, I wouldn't say I'm all that stylish, but I wear what I like and I don't really care either way.

I feel like after becoming a mumma, it's been hard for me to maintain the way I used to dress. A lot of my favorite dresses have been in the back of my closet for almost two years now. A lot of the dresses I fall in love with online, I can't buy. Why? Accessibility. I love being a breastfeeding mother but sometimes it really gets in the way, luckily only in the way of things that don't really matter. I tried to not care in the beginning and would wear my favorite dresses with some shorts underneath so I could just pull the whole thing up to nurse. That's a lot of fabric on Odin's face and he and I were not fans of it. It's funny to shop for clothes online and think "can I easily expose myself? No... Can't get that one!" It's not really something I took into consideration until it happened! 

If I could wear black tights and mini dresses every single day, I would. I mean, I used to. In college- black tights every single day. And I lived in Florida! I'm a fan of the 60's and all things associated. My friend Megan is always rocking her 60's style and I'm often pretty envious. Recently, I've found that I really want to start dressing the way I used to again so I've been trying to compromise. Button-up dresses are a recent favorite. I've also always dressed a little frumpy so I think that provides a fairly accessible wardrobe. More floral (I'm about to buy a floral overall dress online, I'm so stoked), more stripes, more black, more paisley, more polka dots. Oh, and lots of plaid! 

Sakura Bloom slings make it pretty easy to want to get cute too. I always get excited to match my sling to my outfit. Is that silly? I love it!

This post is a little ridiculous. Zak took cute photos of us this morning and I wanted to share. Also, since making some extra money this week I've been stalking online clothing stores so these things have been on my mind. I'm not stylish, I'm well aware, but I think I definitely have my own style. 

on positive thinking...

Something came up on my Facebook news feed once, a link to 22 things happy people do differently, I read it and fell in love. I now have it bookmarked and whenever I'm feeling particularly low, I look at this list and it instantly reminds me of the many things I have to be grateful for. It's funny how simple little reminders can change your mood completely. I can read through the list and think to myself, "you know what, you are holding a grudge.. Why? Just stop!" and it usually works! I'm worried the link will disappear one day and I'll be totally miserable and lost without it so I'm going to copy the list here and add my own insight.

1. Don't hold grudges.

I'm not the type to hold grudges. I mean, I'm a scorpio so I definitely can hold a grudge when I want to, but it doesn't happen terribly often. When I'm able to "forgive and forget" my spirits are lifted so much higher and it's well worth the inner battle.

2. Treat everyone with kindness.

This one is totally true. How often do you compliment someone? When you do, doesn't it make you feel UH-mazing? I remember in college if I was having a rough morning, I would make it a goal to say something nice about at least five people that I passed. Not only did it make my day a million times better but you could see the looks on the passerby's faces. I changed their day too. Maybe no one had said anything particularly kind to them that week and for me to be the one- that made me feel SO good. I have to remind myself to do this more often.

3. See problems as challenges.

I have a hard time with this. I's very easy to become quickly stressed when a problem arises. If I can manage to see the light at the end of the tunnel, my mind can quickly change but sometimes it's hard to see that little glimmer.

4. Express gratitude for what you already have.

Every day I notice something new and beautiful in the world. I am constantly reminded to be grateful. I have my days, like everyone else does, but for a majority of the time I am SO ridiculously grateful to everyone and everything in my life right now. I am so lucky (probably the luckiest)!

5. Dream big.

This one has NEVER been hard for me. I love to dream big! I love to dream small too. If I can envision short term goals that are easily met and I meet them- being happy just falls right into place. Those smaller goals are usually relevant to my bigger dreams and when I eventually get to that point, I am absolutely thrilled. I listed custom portrait slots on my Etsy last night for the month of August and within minutes, they were sold! I think this is insane but makes me so giddy! That big dream where I actually am able to pay my student loans from art college with money I make from my art- that's happening now.

6. Don't sweat the small stuff.

I have a hard time seeing past the small stuff sometimes. Sometimes, I'm awesome at it. This is why Zak and I work so well together. When I'm upset about something that really does not matter, he's there to remind me that it isn't a big deal. I'm forever grateful to him for that!

7. Speak well of others.

I don't think I'm a huge gossiper. I gossip, sure, but it never leaves me feeling very good. I usually always wish I could go back in time and just keep my mouth shut. Sometimes when someone tries to gossip to me, I respond with a "yeah... maybe that's true... but just last week they did the nicest thing!" I should work harder at being the nicer bigger person.

8. Never make excuses.

When I'm able to admit fault when something is indeed my fault, It's so much easier to overcome a difficulty. If I place the blame on others, it takes much longer to cope and work through said difficulty.

9. Get absorbed into the present.

Stop and smell the roses! I don't think I have any problems with this one. Sometimes I have a wave of remorse for past events, but one look at my smiling child or my gorgeous partner and the past seems trivial. It's so much more fun to jump in the ocean or fantasize about the future.

10. Wake up at the same time every morning.

I used to sleep in, and then I had a baby. Now I'm up at 6:30 every morning, even on weekends! Even when Zak and Odin sleep in. I'm not sure I'd be great at keeping up with this if I was alone, but I definitely feel more accomplished when I wake up with the sun and am able to spend as much time outside as possible before nightfall!

11. Avoid Social Comparison.

I have a very hard time with this one and always have. There are still people that are more beautiful than me or dress nicer or have better hair and I think about it often. When I'm on a good mood wave though, I tend to be the person that compliments people for the things I admire about them and then work on my own feats.

12. Choose friends wisely.

Surrounding yourself with positive people enhances life ENORMOUSLY. From experience, negative people are no fun to be around and before becoming friends with someone like that, you should probably forward them this list.

13. Never seek approval from others.

It's impossible to please everyone. I'm still accepting this, but it really is impossible. Please yourself and you will be a happier person than if you attempt to please everyone else first.

14. Take the time to listen.

I've always been a listener. This can be a good or bad thing in my opinion. I've been stuck in friendships where I was always the listener and never listened to but I've also been in friendships where the other person has so much wisdom and insight into the world that all I want to do is listen. This is directly affected by the "choose friends wisely" rule.

15. Nurture social relationships.

I'm afraid of loneliness so this has never been an issue for me, unless it's possible to over-nurture. Always make time to see family, friends, and loved ones. Even if it's a 15 minute coffee meet up or a half hour skype date. Just do it!

16. Meditate.

I do this when I'm able to focus on my artwork. When I can sit in the studio alone for an hour while Zak takes Odin on a walk or after Odin falls asleep at night, I'm really able to take in the day and calmly meditate on the things I've seen and learned. I'm also able to dream about the future, so art is my meditation.

17. Eat well.

I am proud to say that this one has become big in our lives. Since moving into our own place (even though the kitchen is SO tiny), we've been cooking more. Our garden is huge and being able to eat locally makes me feel great. Making our own bread and trading food for art or work creates such a great community!

18. Exercise.

Babywear your 27 pound baby once a day, haha. Being a mumma, I don't think it's possible to NOT exercise!!

19. Live minimally.

Other than a few recent purchase, we haven't spent a dime since Odin was born! Cloth diapering and wearing gifted or hand me down clothes has helped us to live very minimally. Also, Zak and I are so eager to save up money to buy land in the future, it's easy for us to do without.

20. Tell the truth.

Lying stresses most people out! Me being one of them. Being honest definitely improves your mental health and your self esteem! Lying makes me feel like I'm being smothered under a blanket.

21. Establish personal control.

Stay in control of your own life! Don't let others tell you how to live it or what to do with your life. I went to art school even though everyone told me I was throwing my life away! Now, I can't seem to keep up with demand for my art. It's an exciting path and I'm really glad I'm the one who chose it.

22. Accept what cannot be changed.

I sometimes think about how unfair life is, but I really shouldn't dwell and I should accept life for what it is. Some days are better than others, like with everything else on this list.

I have made it a goal to work towards being a more positive person and I really think it's working. People like happy people too! If you radiate happiness, you'll make more friends. Promise! <3

What do you do to keep some love and light in your life? What are some of your rules for positive thinking? Share the wealth of knowledge, I'm forever on this journey to be a grateful happy person and would love for you to join in with me!

A fresh look

Last night I doodled some in my sketchbook in order to make a new header and side bar for the blog. I've been separating a lot of my art posts and life posts into two separate blogs, which honestly is silly. I'm not an artist separately from a mother, I am both rolled into one. That is a realization I've just recently been able to come to and I'll write up a post in more detail about that soon.

 From now on, I'll be posting everything here and for those that are only interested in my art posts, there's a handy little button on the side of the blog that you can click and will guide you to all of my art posts specifically. I will keep my art blog up and update it from time to time, but it will be used as more of a portfolio space.

I hope everyone likes the (slightly) new look and and feedback is more than welcome.

saving our pennies.

My first job was as a babysitter for family when I was pretty young, I did this throughout my life and still do. My next job was helping my aunt file paperwork for her stay at home business. In middle school I had my first real job as an attendant at Dairy Queen, which only lasted for a month because my boss wasn't the nicest guy (he was really awful actually, especially when it was busy) and I remember thinking very responsibly about my decision to quit. I walked into a local pre-school, asked if they were hiring and filled out an application on the spot. An hour later I was called and I immediately headed over for an interview and was hired on the spot. I quit DQ and worked at Building Blocks for years. Even after going away to college, I spent my first summer back home working there. In college, I started to work retail and continued to do so at a store in Sarasota, Fl (where my college was, I was attending Ringling College of Art and Design) because retail paid more, so I could work a little less and focus on school a little more.

I've also always been a little bit of a business starter. I bought myself a Japanese ball-jointed-doll made from resin for $550 in high school. I was like 16! But I knew it was an investment. I drafted some clothing patterns and began to make doll dresses. My first doll dress sold for $20 and the last one I sold was for $250. I only did this for a few months because I have a tendency to do something creative like this until I feel fairly accomplished and then it sort of bores me and I move onto something else. It's ridiculous, honestly and I really wish I could stay focused on one thing for a longer period of time. Since then I've also made paper dolls, paper toys, hand-bound books, clothes (people clothes!), plush dolls, and now I'm making portraits and will be making more plush dolls in the future. I also have tons of ideas for other things I'd like to make.. Toddler clothing being one of the adventures I'm about to begin.

Throughout my working life, I have saved every penny. Especially in high school. I managed to pay for a roundtrip guided tour of Japan with my savings from high school as well as my first car and still had some extra savings for college. I saved less in college (partied more). Now that I've graduated, I'm back to saving. I love making things so I'm playing around with that and hoping to produce a successful online store as well as continue advancing my photography work (I keep getting jobs!) so that next year I won't have to nanny or babysit or dogsit to earn the money I want to earn.

Since moving to our new place, we've started to save our change in a big carboy. When it's completely full, Zak and Odin and I will use the money for an international trip. I've been dying to go to Australia since I was in primary school and had a fantastic penpal from there. Now, I seem to have made tons of Instagram friends from Australia (I adore all of you!!!) and they've made me want to go even more! So maybe, when this jug is nice and full, that's where we'll go. It's one of the many places we'd like to visit so we'll see when the time comes (I say we'll have it full by winter 2014!).

How do you fund extra trips or adventures? Where would you visit if you had the means?

June so soon

2013 is flying by more quickly any other year, it seems. I'm trying to find quiet moments throughout the day to do some sort of meditative activity in an attempt to slow down time, which I'm aware is impossible. I've seen these beautiful mandalas on Instagram and many of them are made from plants. They're all so beautiful and I've been completely enraptured. It was surprising to me that #playingwithpetals was so calming. After a long day of playing with the babies, Odin played outside with his aunt while I made a little mandala at his table inside. It reminded me to give myself moments to catch up, moments to breathe. This year's been so busy (but in a very good way), I'm afraid I'll miss out on all the beauty. Odin is loving having a playmate throughout the day and having another child to interact with is teaching him so much. He's growing so smart and developing quite the little personality so quickly, it's nice to still have moments where he just wants to cuddle. Moments where he'd rather nap on my chest than curled up on his own. I cherish these moments more now than I did when he was much newer, I never realized time could be so fleeting. I know as time passes, the distance between these moments will grow larger. I also know that Odin will forever be my little boy.